NEWLY IDENTIFIED MALE HORMONES

Recent scientific research has shown that males have a large number of previously unidentified hormones that only manifest under certain circumstances. Scientists are baffled by this phenomenon as no hormones have previously been discovered that are triggered by social situations.

We all know the guy that will never drink anything pink, refuse to hold his wife’s handbag in public and under no circumstances will he wear anything with pink flowers. Once this same guy becomes a father he is happy to drag pink or flowery bags and suitcases through every airport in the world. This is the result of a newly discovered hormone called “parentis hormonis” and scientists believe it is awakened in the male by the smell of babies’ nappies.

Then there is the man who refuses to shed a tear even when Bambi’s mother dies, absolutely never cries, no matter how sad the chic flic he was forced to watch is. Watch him when his team loses in the final…tears may now be shed. This hormone is called “sportis hormonis” and apparently sets in after thirty when the male stops playing any sport except golf.

There is also a certain type of man that refuses to cook anything, cooking being the women’s domain. Light a fire and he suddenly is the world’s expert in the preparation of meat. Add a black cast iron pot and he is better at vegetables and seasoning than Ina Paarman. This is the “manus braaius” hormone. It only needs naked flames to kick in and is apparently latent in all men.

Scientists have identified a number of other weird behaviours that they now attribute to these social hormones, most have no official names yet. There is the “appliance hormone” which generally manifests when a new washing machine, dryer or dishwasher has to be purchased. In a certain class of men, these appliances are never to be touched by a male, unless it is in the shop when they somehow become absolute experts and will inspect every hinge, screw and drawer and then proclaim on the inferiority of the particular brand. Generally it has been found that the more dials and displays an appliance has, the more appealing it is to this class of male. An adjunct to this phenomenon has been found, but so far not scientifically proven, it appears that the appeal of the sales lady also influences male appliance decisions.

Obviously appliances that emit music and/or visual material has always been the domain of the male and it has now been found that there is a hormone influencing their decisions here as well – the “cable hormone”. Basically it causes the male to gravitate towards appliances that require many cables that cannot be installed neatly. It has to be mentioned that some scientists in this field does not acknowledge that this in fact a hormone, but ascribe it the male innate sense of chaos. This does please chaos theorists immensely, a field dominated by men.

It has been further found that no male will admit that any female has any expert knowledge on anything that has to be plugged in to work. This is, however, not attributed to any hormone, but only to a general deficiency of confidence in the male.

Unfortunately the sources for the above cannot yet be revealed, as it has not been published in any respectable journal. Let me know if you have identified any other male hormones that explain behaviour.